Oh man… where to begin? This year has felt so incredibly long and yet here we are in August in a blink. These past few months have been intense. For starters, I just wrapped up my PMHNP/psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner program. The relief to finally be done is such an enormous weight off of my chest. The pressure to complete a certain number of clinical hours in various different age groups is just this unyielding grip of anxiety and feeling of panic – especially in COVID times. Competing two nurse practitioner programs back to back more than doubles that. I feel like I haven’t slept well in years. Now I await notification to be able to sit for my state board exam.
Don’t get too excited though, this woman isn’t done with school yet! I also restarted my doctorate last month (July). Let’s just say getting back into scholarly writing has been less than a fun time. Why is it that in order to talk about a clinical issue you HAVE to do it formally and with all this unnecessary fluff? Why can’t we write as we speak? That feels so much more straightforward than having to navigate through language that beats around the bush just to sound wordy, in my opinion. Perhaps you disagree but I just find it annoying and a waste of time. Short, to the point, say-it-as-it-is writing grabs my attention. Formal writing has me bored in the first three sentences. It’s going to be a long two years but it has always been an enormous goal of mine……so bring on the lull of fancy jargon and painfully cumbersome discussion boards.
We also started IVF in July. I initially started down this path in February in the hopes to freeze eggs. Little did I know that this venture would turn into the heartbreaking knowledge that I’ve basically run out of time. Now, I say that lightly because I know it’s not hopeless but talk about an unexpected slap with reality! We found out that my stores are extremely low and we would most likely never get pregnant without IVF. Processing that information definitely took me time and brought me to my knees. I’ve known so many women who have walked through the pain of infertility and yet when it actually knocks on your own door it’s an entirely new kind of despair. It feels so personal. In July we started all the hormones: patches, shots, and pills. For a few weeks, it was at least two shots every day in the abdomen. Every shot, every wince, every extreme hormone dive was wrapped in the hopes of it all being worth it. Our retrieval was at the end of July and boy oh boy.. that was an experience. Anesthesia always makes me sick so the day of the procedure wasn’t much fun. The next day was actually okay. I was rather surprised by how good I felt! Friday though… big nope. I felt like someone took a bat to my uterus and continued to feel that way the whole weekend. We were told they were able to retrieve five eggs out of the seven follicles we had initially seen just before the retrieval. I was SO excited because all the months prior we were only seeing 2-3 eggs. We heard the next day that 3 of the 5 eggs were able to be fertilized. Again, not amazing but still full of promise. Monday we were told that the embryos were still too small to biopsy but that it was normal and not to worry. Wednesday, a week after the retrieval, we were told they stopped growing and were therefore unviable.
My. heart. sank.
I just couldn’t believe it. How could they have failed? What just makes them stop growing? Not just one, but all of them? Was it me? Did I do something wrong? All of these thoughts just repeatedly swarmed through my brain badgering me into tears. It’s such a tremendous loss and an overwhelming sense of grief. I hadn’t expected to feel that way when it came to embryos but once you feel it, it just steals your hope. The gleam of hope of a future filled with a little family just snuffs out. Now I know that one failed cycle doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. I know couples who have had to go through multiple. I know that. I am terrified though knowing that this feeling can happen again. We start another cycle next month, so if you have any prayers/good vibes to give please send them this way.
Whew – that was heavy. In happy news, my brother and sister-in-law recently found out they’re expecting! I couldn’t be more excited to welcome new life into our family. My nephew is 12 and basically a grown man so I can’t wait to squeeze little baby cheeks again. I’m hoping for a little girl because I KNOW my brother will just absolutely melt. He also has experience with makeup and playing dress-up 🙂 Love him.
I’ve also been reading through a number of book series lately. As busy as I’ve been, it’s so important to just lose myself in a book. It’s like a breath of release from the harsh reality we’ve been living in. I’m pretty sure without it I’d just crumble. Do you like a series/trilogy/duology/etc. or do you prefer a single novel? I’m a total sucker for an immersive series although I get very attached to the characters. If you’re in need of an amazing book blog to follow, check out my friend Stephanie at The Espresso Edition. I ADORE her!