Monday Musings | Friendships that come & go – how to deal
Happy Monday! It’s mid-August and rumors of pumpkin-flavored coffee and candles hitting the shelves are scuttling about – this girl isn’t complaining one bit. With fall soon around the corner, the changing of the seasons had me thinking of the changes occurring in my life – particularly in my friendships.
This past week marked my half birthday – yes I count them – which means I’m fully into my thirties now, there’s no denying it and no turning back. So what does that mean really? Although I don’t think I’ll ever have my act completely together, because what fun is that (?!), I think my 30’s are about putting into action all the questions of my twenties, and truly embracing me. So again you’re asking – okay Tara – what does that mean? It means some serious clean up: eliminating the nonsense and negativity… even in the friend department.
Friendships come in all shapes and sizes: some we’ve known since childhood, some we’ve known for a just a blink. Sometimes they’re friends of friends, sometimes you just bumped into them and found out you’re two peas in a pod. Sometimes you’re related and you can’t change that – fortunately or unfortunately. I’ve gone through a LOT of life changes over the past year and a half, some good – some bad – all of which have taught me invaluable lessons. These changes and road bumps pushed me to seek out a therapist – mostly for clarity – and she’s the best choice I could have made. Having a non-biased party just to listen is often all we need and on occasion offer advice or practices to bring down the stress levels … I’m telling you it has done wonders.
One of the most important lessons she has taught me is to not feel guilty for creating barriers and saying no, one thing I’ve always had an incredibly hard time with. When you struggle with barriers, people see you as a source to turn to but can easily abuse that privilege and soon swarm you with ALL of their problems – which leads me into the first friend to nix.
The Negative Nancy
I happen to be one of those individuals who is super susceptible to the energies around me – meaning if someone is really negative and grumpy, it quickly ruins my mood and makes me irritated and grumpy. Hence the negative friend who does nothing but complain about everything in their lives – enough! You give them advice over and over gain – trying to offer them greatness surrounding them, but no – nag nag nag. Negativity loves a partner – and that doesn’t need to be you.
Anything you can do I can do Better!
Fortunately I don’t have any one-upper’s in my immediate circle, but we all know the type. I think this also involves those who make you feel uncomfortable in any capacity – no matter the extravagance. We are friends for our love of one another, which does not include flaunting money or skill or climbing over another to better oneself or one’s sense of oneself. If you find yourself constantly feeling less in the presence of a friend, they likely aren’t a real friend to you at all.
Judgey Judy
If you take one lesson from this post, take note of this. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. One of my biggest pet peeves in life are judgmental, small-minded people. I have zero room for them. No one, and I repeat, no one is without flaw in this life. It is those flaws that make us the uniquely beautiful creatures we are – human in every aspect. The most important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and surround ourselves with those who will help us do so, maybe with tough love at times but no judgement. I have deleted the people out of my life who have judged me for being human, for making mistakes – when they can’t look in the mirror and see their own flaws. When you seek out advice from others, you are doing so because you value them as a person, their opinion and their friendship. It is up to you, as an adult, to incorporate that advice as you see fit. Just don’t make the mistake of asking the same advice over and over again.
I’ve applied these principles with friendships from childhood and in my professional arena. I felt obligated to hold onto certain friendships from my youth only because they were so – people I’ve known forever. I discovered however, I was left out from almost everything and I really didn’t know them anymore – nor did they know me. I had moved on with life – packed up from the comforts of Texas and started life anew with Charlie in Utah to chase my career in healthcare while he protected the nation flying across the world. Even after I moved back to Dallas, things weren’t the same and I was tired of pretending to be social media friends. I had finished a Master’s and learned to live mostly apart from my husband while most of them were on their second child. While I applauded them for their life choices, I felt ousted for mine. Questions like “when will you have children?” or “why don’t you live together” or “how can you work at night/not be at home with your husband” do nothing but set my veins on fire. It’s 20 freaking 17 people…
I mentioned I applied this to my professional life – let me tell you how. Recently I went to the blog full-time while also pursuing my doctorate. Many, many factors influenced this decision but one thing fully pushed me into my decision – negativity in the workplace. I’ll write a more extensive post on this, but if you work in an environment swimming in negativity – consider the overall influence it might have on you and if you’re happy. I know I sure wasn’t.
Photography by Megan Weaver
August 14, 2017 @ 3:03 pm
Loving the bright and colorful outfit and earrings. I’m old enough to say that I have had a lot of friends come and go and it’s just a part of life. Some people have different priorities and so do we. Making the choices to be around people who lift you up and inspire us to be better is the most important.
Xo,
Miki
http://mikialamode.com
August 14, 2017 @ 3:17 pm
I wrote my own blog post on this earlier this year titled “friend karma.” It’s definitely a part of life but sometimes I think it’s also a blessing in disguise.
August 14, 2017 @ 3:27 pm
Your outfit is so cheery! Most of my friendships have changed as we transitioned into our 30s. It’s good to recognize when it isn’t working for you.
August 14, 2017 @ 4:02 pm
Happy 1/2 birthday! You are looking absolutely fabulous. I LOVE those red shoes!
August 14, 2017 @ 6:15 pm
I love your outfit!! You’re a total cutie. I totally agree that we all encounter those types of friends and the best thing is to cut them from your life and surround yourself with more positive and spirit lifting people! I’ve had all 3 of those friends and it took a while but I cut them out – aint got time for that!
August 14, 2017 @ 8:45 pm
Very nice outfit. It’s nice that you’re feeling optimistic about your age, that’s great. Celebrating a half birthday is pretty innovative. I know what you mean about negative friends they do tend to cause you stress as well sometimes it is best just to cut them loose.
August 14, 2017 @ 11:51 pm
Your outfit is gorgeous! I can completely relate to the ‘friend types’ you listed. Quite frankly, they’re toxic and not worth the time and energy. I can count my close friends on one hand and I have no problem with that.
August 15, 2017 @ 4:58 am
It is so hard not to influenced by the negative friend types. I have been trying to keep away from the negativity but it’s so hard it is everywhere you look sometimes
August 15, 2017 @ 6:58 am
Love this post, its best to have friends that are positive and uplifting and ones that are socially active. All of the rest I personally don’t need or want. I am all about having a good time. And your outfit rocks ????????
August 15, 2017 @ 11:07 am
I love this so much. I feel like I’ve been thinking a lot on this subject recently. I think it’s because we’re getting older and we realize we don’t have time for everyone anymore. We don’t need bs in our lives because we have such limited time for everyone and everything. I really relate to the negative energy and negative people – that’s a big reason why I left my last job and leaned into our blog. There was so much negativity in my life and it was consuming me. I had to get away from it. I think people get tunnel vision sometimes with life and lose track of what’s important but I believe it’s the relationships we keep and the people we surround ourselves with that matter most. Love this post!
August 15, 2017 @ 7:36 pm
LOVE your response! Totally totally totally what I was channeling! Negativity is so toxic and impacts our bodies in ways we aren’t even aware of – the less I have around me now the better! Thank you so much for reading!
August 15, 2017 @ 2:13 pm
I LOVE this post. I’ve been going through growing pains with friends and this was a nice read. 🙂
August 15, 2017 @ 2:18 pm
Love the positive energy you share in this article.
August 15, 2017 @ 2:24 pm
Great post and beautiful pictures! 🙂 Sadly I still have “The Negative Nancy” in my life but she already knows way too much about me to end this friendship. Awkward.
August 15, 2017 @ 2:26 pm
Love your look lady 🙂 its so cool and fun. Loved this post x
August 15, 2017 @ 2:48 pm
Very cute outfit. I love this post! Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of toxic “friends.”
August 15, 2017 @ 3:21 pm
I completely related on your “Anything you can do I can do better” section! One of my closest friends growing up became this in almost every way, it always becomes about her. I was celebrating three years with my partner, and her first reply was “Can you believe it’s been 8 years for me and my fiance?” Lol you are so right!
August 15, 2017 @ 4:34 pm
It’s always a great thing to stay optimistic! I love the outfit by the way!
August 15, 2017 @ 4:51 pm
It’s important to recognize who your true friends are, and eliminate the ones who aren’t. I’m willing to be there 100% for my friends, and I want friends who do the same.
What were your biggest struggles with living apart from your husband? I’m moving in a month and my husband and I are going to be living apart for a while, so I’m interested to hear from other people who have experienced this type of situation.
August 15, 2017 @ 7:42 pm
Hi Kate! I won’t sugarcoat it – it’s not fun by any means BUT it isn’t a death sentence either. I think our biggest struggle was communication, mainly because he was usually deployed to Korea or Afghanistan or somewhere with a completely different time zone than where I was AND for a long time I was working at night in the hospital – double yuck! We were also freshly married when our time apart started – and by fresh I mean two months out of the gate. But this September marks our 6 year wedding anniversary so throughout the hurdles and speed bumps – we’re still here! I think the biggest and most important thing is recognizing how you each react and/or struggle with the distance and acknowledging that while working through it together. We also skype/facetime a LOT! There’s a humongous difference in talking on the phone vs being able to see their face! Wishing you all the best and greatest support during your time apart!
August 15, 2017 @ 6:46 pm
Im at the point where i thought losing friends meant something was wrong with me but i quickly realized its part of life great post
August 15, 2017 @ 8:59 pm
I loved reading this. I have and have been all of these types of friends! BTW your outfit is absolutely amazing!
August 15, 2017 @ 9:18 pm
I love, love, love your dress and shoes! I’ve been through that friendship loss. Very heart breaking, I’m just in my thirties now and feel like I need positive people around me. Although I still find it difficult to say no. Never thought about seeking a therapist, but that can really help me.
August 16, 2017 @ 1:09 am
Super cute look. Most of all, love the article. My friend pet peeve by far is the negative nancy. No one likes that type of energy so I try to steer clear of these ladies.
August 16, 2017 @ 2:26 am
Great blog post about real friendships. As I grow, too, I’m realizing that friends are just like seasons, they come and go (well yeah, that’s what Bebe Rexha said on her song). It’s funny coz yes, you’re putting effort to share positive vibes to them, but they’re blinded by their negativity and you’re like, okay bye boo, am out. Lol. True friends are really rare. Stay vibrant and positive, you look dashing and lovely on your photos. ????????????
-Gerome of G&D Blog
http://www.gdblog.net
August 16, 2017 @ 9:18 am
Gorgeous outfit, wish I would wear something like this, but I always end up going for the black and boring stuff that doesn’t stand out! I am also very sensitive to other people’s moods! I definitely needed this blog post 🙂
August 16, 2017 @ 10:55 am
Great article! I totally understand where you are coming from, especially the judgmental people. Of course people always judge, but most of them don’t realise how we are all humans and we all make mistakes. That is why a lot of people try to hide their own mistakes, or act as if they never make any. Let’s just all cut the crap and be honest.
August 16, 2017 @ 11:10 am
First of all, can we take a moment to chat about those heels? Girl, you totally rock those! Now, to get to the serious part of this post… As someone who is 31 — and wait until you hit that birthday and feel like you are totally IN your thirties not just 30 — I’ll say so far the thirties are fantastic. I’ve become more secure and confident in my own skin, and I care far less about what other people think. The people who love me don’t judge, and the ones who do aren’t worth my time. I’m sure you are finding the same. No room for those Negative Nancys or Judgey Judys here either!
August 16, 2017 @ 11:27 am
I love this article. It is everything I believe in and very true, as we age, our circles will changed based upon our directions in life and that is okay!
Many blessings to your blog, it is awesome!
August 16, 2017 @ 12:23 pm
This really is great, Tara! Negative workplaces are T-O-U-G-H and bad attitudes can spread like the plague if the leadership team isn’t taking the time to be connected to the true reality of the organization and openly discussing and working to resolve issues.
August 17, 2017 @ 9:48 pm
You have an amazing sense of style and our and original. Keep being you!